Cry on...

What's the most common thing people say to a friend when they begin to cry? My guess would be something like "oh no it's ok, don't cry." The friend usually feels like they're doing something nice for the friend who is crying, and unfortunately it has become accepted that this is the appropriate response to a friend who is in tears. Interestingly enough, making the "don't cry" comment is more about the friend who is consoling and his or her discomfort with sad feelings, rather than the friend who is crying. Most of us have a hard time tolerating our own sad feelings and similarly get very uncomfortable when someone is expressing sad feelings to us, especially with tears. Also, we likely think that since we have a hard time tolerating our own sad feelings, our friend does not want to feel his or her sad feelings either. Unfortunately, telling someone not to cry does not take away his or her sad feelings, and instead leaves them feeling like they should not feel what they are feeling and like they are a burden for you when they cry. People learn more and more that they should only cry by themselves, to not burden anyone, and that being sad and crying is evidence of something that is "wrong" with them. Instead, we should let our loved ones know that it's ok to cry, that they can cry as long as they feel like crying, and that we will be there to talk about whatever is making them sad whenever they are ready. By allowing our loved one the space to cry and express the sad feelings, we are actually facilitating the process of healing and the likelihood that our loved one will get through whatever was creating the sadness in the first place. And at the same time, we will be allowing for an opportunity to connect with our loved ones and create more emotional intimacy in our relationships. So the next time a friend or loved one comes to you in tears, instead of saying "don't cry" with your words, tell them to "cry on" with your open arms and open heart.