Dealing with Death

People often become very uncomfortable when the time comes to comfort a friend who is dealing with the recent death of a loved one. And unfortunately, most of the time this discomfort causes us to say or do things that are not comforting for our friend. To begin with, most of us can not tolerate the intense emotions that are evoked by death. Tolerance for these feelings is not something that can be changed over night, but it is something we can work on. While that is something that takes some time to develop, here are some simple tips that can be applied now.

First of all, the general principle of "less is more" is definitely at play when it comes to talking to a grieving friend. Most people who have experienced the death of a loved one say that what bothered them most during the time after the death was that friends and loved ones said too much rather than too little. A simple "I'm sorry for your loss" goes a long way. Most of us feel the need to say too much in order to make our friend feel better or because it feels like we are doing more. But the truth of the matter is that they are sad and grieving and need to be sad and grieving for some time. Our desire to bring them back to "normal" is not what they need and not what they want. Being sad while they are grieving is actually normal and healthy.

In the process of saying too much, many times people begin to give justifications and explanations for the death, such as "he is in a better place" or "this must have been God's plan for him." Those who are grieving rarely find these comments comforting and they can actually make them angry or upset. The reason people are sad at the death of a loved one is generally not because they're not sure where the person has gone, it is because they miss that person. Attempts at explaining what has happened or trying to convince them that they should not feel sad usually are not helpful. Unfortunately, due to religious beliefs that the person is "in a better place," people can sometimes feel guilty for feeling sad about the death. However, it is important to keep in mind that we can feel more than one thing at a time, and this is perfectly natural. For example, based on your religious beliefs you might feel happy that your loved one is in a better place spiritually, while at the same time feeling very sad because you miss that person so much. This is a perfectly natural, healthy and okay way of feeling after the death of a loved one.

This brings me to my last point: allow the grieving person to experience his or her unique grieving process. Over the years, both professionally and personally, I have learned that there is no one way to grieve the loss of a loved one. People go through the process in many different ways. When it comes to grief, many different roads and paths lead to the destination of healing. Additionally, different cultures have different practices and traditions that may seem very strange and odd to different people. For example, in many cultures it is healthy and acceptable to talk out loud to the deceased, while in certain Western cultures this may appear bizarre or almost pathological. It is important to remember that people grieve in many different ways, and to judge their way of healing or try to change their process can be very hurtful. This is also why it is important to allow people to go through their own process and not attempt to "push" them forward in their healing. Telling someone that they have "cried enough" or "should have moved on by now" is not helpful and will only interfere with their healing process. In grief, as in all human interactions, it is important for the person to be allowed to have their unique experience, to not feel judged about it, and for you to show your support throughout the process in whatever way they may ask of it from you. It is not your role to push them to be happy again or bring things back to how they "used to be." And when it comes to what you say to your loved ones during these times, don't give in to the pressure to say too much and remember that less is more.