You Can't Take Back a Bullet

You can't take back a bullet once its been fired. Our words and actions can be like bullets to our loved ones. When we become angry during an argument, we can have moments where an impulse comes to say or do something hurtful. In that moment, it might even feel like the right thing to do, but the negative consequences of our actions can last a lifetime. Many times in my office I have heard a client share a painful memory of when a parent said something that they can never forget: maybe the parent said they were a failure or told them they wish they never had been born. The pain from those bullets remain and the person's self-esteem and self-concept are still negatively affected by those remarks even years later. This is also very common with couples. I have seen couples who's relationship has been compromised due to a bullet or bullets fired by one or both partners. In the heat of an argument, a woman tells her boyfriend he is "a pathetic loser," or a man throws a vase across the room, or worse, strikes his wife for the first time. These bullets, although lasting a brief moment, can negatively affect the relationship from that point forward. The person may never forget or forgive the partner. Especially in instances of physical threat or assault, the trust and emotional intimacy will never fully recover. All arguments may result in some pain, but bullets leave scars, and scars never go away. Keep that in mind the next time you feel yourself becoming angry in an argument with a loved one, especially with a child or romantic partner. When the impulse comes to do or say that hurtful thing, that's your cue to take a few minutes to cool off before continuing. After a few minutes, that impulse will have likely gone and you can go back to working out the disagreement in a calm manner. And even more importantly, you will have stopped yourself from hurting your loved one and causing permanent damage to the relationship. Because once a bullet has been fired out of the gun, there's no taking it back.